Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.

As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.

Today’s guest is TJ Loveless. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it and it could prove detrimental to your health.

TJ: I’ll take the special punch. Could you please ask Jezzy to stop putting the green worms in the punch? They wiggle all the way down.

*cuts finger* Really? Sign in blood? Isn’t that a bit… unhygienic?

*signs waivers* I get a copy. Last time the blood proved to be someone else’s. The ole bait and switch. *Mumbles* soul for a glass of tea…hmmph….

Mistress: I see you read the waivers thoroughly. An intelligent move on your part. As for unhygienic? It won’t matter where you’re going. Oh, and Jez assures me today’s punch ingredients will not be moving – at least not until after digestion is complete. *clears throat* Moving along….

Why are toy hippos always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

TJ: My guess is someone’s cat is making the color choices. Although, I have to say, the purple is pretty and should be blinged out. Much like the Hippos I’m seeing now. Not sure what Jezzy is adding to the punch these days, but … ohhh…purdy. Oh look, the dragon. No wait, *falls out of chair* she needs to copyright that stuff. I have some rather high strung friends. What do you mean I have to wear the burlap? Look, I might be a tomboy, but…wait a minute. What did you do to my self huggy jacket? Can I have another glass? The butterfly is sticking his tongue-thingy and drinking it….

Mistress: Oh, dear. I’m afraid Jezebel outdid herself today. Well, since you seem attuned to the more ethereal aspects of existence right now, perhaps you have the answer to my next question.

What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

TJ: Now that depends. Who’s lightsaber? Personally, I think the purple hippos will be attracted to the blue ones, but if you’re lucky, you can get your hands on Vader’s red one and see all the pretty walking/talking fishies hiding in the ponds. Unless Luke gets all “You’re not my daddy!” in which case, you better take the blue one and fool him into thinking you’re the good guy. By the way, can I borrow that whip? The eight legged freaks just sent a text message and said something about, “It’s going to be a three ring circus!” and a photoshopped pic of me as Ringmaster…Yo! Jezzy! Fill ‘er up again! If I’m going on a ride I wanna feel the vibes, chicky! Psst – Um, does she take debit cards?

Mistress: Drink up and don’t worry about debit cards. Remember the blood? Jez already owns you, might as well enjoy the short time you have left…. *hands TJ the whip*

This last question is a scenario. You’re standing in a center ring but it’s not under a big top. I believe this circus isn’t exactly from our dimension. You are the new Ringmaster, facing an unruly horde of zombie circus animals. You raise your whip in self-defense but the zombie lion grabs it out of your hand. What happens next?

TJ: Feel very happy that the drinks from Jezzy make me brainless, I won’t be eaten. Hey, Leo! Give that back! *pinching nose* Man, they stink worse than a toddler eating Taco Hell burritos. Like a lion can use a whip. Oh dear. He can. OUCH! Pardon me, but can I have a pair of running shoes? Jezzy! You look so purdy. The lion wants to talk to you. No really, he wants to hear all about String Theory 2(b)…show him your brains, girly! Yikes, that had to hurt. *wince* :::backing away from the ring slowly::: If her head is missing, does that mean the contract is void?

Mistress Snark? Hello?

Can you believe it? She took off. :::looks around at the zombie animals staring at me:::: Bugger, she runs faster than I do…..

Mistress: *smothers her laugh and shakes her head at the audience* Poor TJ, thinking she’s still here in the parlor with us. Let’s give her a round of applause, gentle audience. Perhaps the vibration will travel back through the centuries and penetrate her hallucinations. Who knows? It might even help her find her way home again.

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Congratulations, T.J.! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.

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Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura@lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.

Next week’s guest in the parlor is Gary Pennick. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with him!

Today’s first stop is:

The Blog Blitz!

Created by DL Hammons

Today’s target is Dana at The Daily Dose. Go over there and say “You’ve been blitzed!” You can say hi while you’re there, too.

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Writers4Writers

Hosted by M Pax, Stephen Tremp, Christine Rains, C M Brown

Writers helping other writers to succeed.

Twitter hashtag: #W4WS

Find us on Facebook

Next on the list is Writers4Writers, a great support group utilizing Facebook, Twitter, and blogs to highlight new books. Today’s featured authors are Marian Allen and ME!

To get copies of Marian’s tweets, please click on her link. Mine are listed below. Any tweet or FB posting will be most appreciated! Just copy and paste. Nothing to it.

Jewel of Shaylar, new epic #fantasy series! #kindle http://goo.gl/CQWUz #W4WS

One man’s struggle to save magic and a Kingdom. Jewel of Shaylar, Book 1, Kingdoms of Chandra #Amazon http://goo.gl/CQWUz #W4WS

Like epic #fantasy? Jewel of Shaylar for #kobo http://goo.gl/p77Po #W4WS

New epic #fantasy series! Jewel of Shaylar #nook http://goo.gl/mWYwK #W4WS

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 And you’ll also find me over at T.J.’s  Writing from the Padded Room again today, answering more questions – this time about self-pubbing. She’s hosting a contest for me too! There will be copies of Jewel of Shaylar up for grabs, plus an assortment of swag. Drop over there to read about one of my more embarrassing moments and sign up to win something.

Grab a snuggy jacket and strap in! Next stop – The Padded Room!

You still here? Go on…click the link. We’re mostly friendly over there and will share the crayons with you.

When Hollywood runs out of ideas, they remake older films. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it fails miserably.

Hosted by:

Alex J. Cavanaugh, Stephen Tremp, Father Dragon Al, and Livia Peterson.

I have a confession to make here. When I signed up for this, I didn’t notice the word “remake” in the description. It turns out I didn’t have any knowledge that most of these films had been remade…or I didn’t care. Having said that, I’ll adapt my post to point out my movie ignorance. Here goes:

Evil Dead – I will never see any of its versions. Ever!

Dawn of the Dead – Never this one either.

Halloween – I did see the first one. The backs of my eyelids still drip blood.

King Kong – How many times is this going to be remade?

Ocean’s Eleven – I haven’t seen either one but it’s obvious the 2001 remake is a winner.

Psycho – Why? You don’t mess with a classic.

What remakes do you love or hate?

In the meantime, I have a short interview posted today as part of the ongoing interviews with the twenty-two writers in the anthology. Stop by and check it out!

Interview with moi, holder of The World card.

Passing Time: Nine Short Tales of the Strange and Macabre

Free on Kindle from May 13^th to 17^th.

Book Blurb

Nine dark fiction stories that may just give you nightmares.

A man lives to regret Passing Time. A father will do anything to save his son in Expiration Date. An author finds out her worst nightmare is back in The Devil’s Song. A woman gets more than the claim fee when she takes out vampire insurance in Luna Black.

In Dining in Hell, the Death Valley Diner becomes the wrong place to stop.

A serial killer wants to add another file to his collection in The Vegas Screamer. In Eating Mr. Bone, an undertaker could meet an unfortunate end. A con man meets his first ghost in Land of the Free. And will truth finally be set free in The Letter?

Book Links

Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Goodreads

Facebook

Book teaser

About The Author

A life-long addiction to reading science fiction and horror, meant writing was the logical outlet for Ellie Garratt’s passions. She is a reader, writer, blogger, Trekkie, and would happily die to be an extra in The Walking Dead. Her short stories have been published in anthologies and online. Passing Time is her first eBook collection and contains nine previously published stories. Her science fiction collection Taking Time will be published later this year.

Author Links

Website

Amazon

Facebook

Goodreads

Twitter

And check this out!

Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.

As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.

Today’s guest is Hart Johnson. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it but the punch seems to be the beverage of choice.

Hart: Oooh! Special punch sounds fabulous. I always like a surprise. Unless by special, you mean made with cabbage. Then I’d have to pass.

Mistress: No cabbage, I assure you. Any number of other, uh, tidbits could be lurking in the recipe, though. Jezebel does like her little amusements. Let me know if you feel the need for medical assistance.

Before you drink too much of that, let me ask you a question. Why is the third hand on a wristwatch called a second hand?

Hart: Erm… are watches from a binary age? No, that’s not right. Then there’d only be zeroes and ones. Maybe they’ve all been used before, so this is their second chance to get it right? But you know… that hour hand is all uppity, so maybe this is a class thing… the hour hand thinks it’s indispensible and the minute hand is the first class and the second hand is the second class… watches are really very classist now that I think on it. I think I will give them up. Except I gave them up a long time ago, time being a wibbly wobbly timey-whimey thing and all.

Mistress: You might be on to something there. Time being classist…

*waves to Jezebel to refill Hart’s cup*

Before time rears its elitist head and distorts our conversation, let me ask you another question. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

Hart: Oh, I see what you did there. Very clever. Because of course we couldn’t have this conversation about a hypothetical situation in a world without hypothetical situations. I imagine it would be a lot like being surrounded by Anyas (the thousand year old ex-demon on Buffy who doesn’t really understand being human, so she is extremely literal)… which would only be amusing if you understood, which you wouldn’t in the absence of hypothetical… no, I don’t think I’d like that at all.

Mistress: Odd you should happen to mention Anya. She’s one of Jezebel’s special friends. In fact, the two of them got together recently to exchange recipes.

*sniffs the air*

I’m afraid Jezebel had a bit of fun with you today. If I’m not mistaken, you’re exuding zombie pheromones, which will complicate your scenario. I do hope you’re able to overcome the handicap, my dear.

I’ve heard you spend much of your time naked, lounging in the bathtub. Your final question involves a scenario in which you are taking a bath – in a claw foot tub, of course – inside of a vast cave. As you’re resting in the water with a washcloth placed over your eyes, the pheromones spread upon the wind, luring a horde of zombies to rush to your side. What happens next?

Hart: Crap! Zombies! I’d always thought I’d climb a tree, but tree-climbing is one of the few things I don’t recommend doing naked! And there is no tree in my bathroom… *think think think* GOT IT! I would pull the straw from my froofy cocktail and submerge entirely under the bubbles. Breathing through the straw I can maintain this indefinitely and they SHOULD think all they smelled was the bubbles.

*goes under*

Mistress: And there you have it, gentle audience. Keep Hart in your thoughts. Only time will tell if she emerges unscathed. Although, she’ll certainly be clean no matter how it ends.

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Bio:

Hart Johnson is a social scientist by day and writes books from her bathtub in the evening. The Garden Society Mysteries (The Azalea Assault and The Begonia Bribe) are published under the pseudonym Alyse Carlson. Hart can be found at her blog, her Facebook profile or author page and Twitter.

She has a brand new book out too, the second in her Garden Society Mystery series under the pen name Alyse Carlson.

Roanoke, Virginia, is home to some of the country’s most exquisite gardens, and it’s Camellia Harris’s job to promote them. But when a pint-sized beauty contest comes to town, someone decides to deliver a final judgment …

A beauty pageant for little girls—the Little Miss Begonia Pageant—has decided to hold their event in a Roanoke park. Camellia is called in to help deal with the botanical details, the cute contestants, and their catty mothers. She soon realizes that the drama onstage is nothing compared to the judges row. There’s jealousy, betrayal, and a love triangle involving local newsman—and known lothario—Telly Stevens. And a mysterious saboteur is trying to stop the pageant from happening at all.

But the drama turns deadly when Stevens is found dead, poisoned by some sort of plant. With a full flowerbed of potential suspects, Cam needs to dig through the evidence to uproot a killer with a deadly green thumb.

Amazon Author Page

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Congratulations, Hart! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.

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Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura@lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.

Next week’s guest in the parlor is T.J. Loveless. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!

And now for the star of the event!

Blurb: 

Archaeologist David Alexander investigates the cave where his father disappeared and hurtles into another world, one filled with magic and bizarre creatures. The mad ravings in his father’s journals of icemen and dragons may not be fantasies after all.

Convinced his father may still be alive, David begins a treacherous journey to find him and discover a way home. Along the way, he encounters a few unlikely friends. A Dreean warrior, a beautiful thief and a satyr join him as he searches.

David’s arrival into this new world sets off an explosive chain reaction of events. Faced with powerful adversaries and few clues, he may not get the chance to rescue his father before disaster strikes, condemning both of them to death. Or worse.

Links:

Read Excerpt:

Purchase at:

KindleUS  

KindleUK

Nook

Smashwords

Kobo

Trade Paperback

Add to your Goodreads

It has its first review as well! You can read it here.

Many thanks to all of you who are sharing your blogs with me today, shouting out the news on Facebook and Twitter, even the couple pledging to stand naked on the street corner – I salute you all.

“What do you think of this cornucopia?” Chronos held it out for inspection.

Death stared at it dubiously. “It looks like Amalthea’s horn. Does Zeus know you broke it off? He went to a lot of trouble to fix it.”

Chronos clutched the horn to his chest and looked at Death in horror.

“It’s not the real horn, only a representation. I wanted to present it as a gift to Lucien for his Thanksgiving Day celebration. What do you think?”

Death took it from Chronos and peered through the hole on the small end.

“Anything you put in here would leak through the hole. It’s just the right size for dispensing peanuts though.”

To prove his point, he stuck the horn into his eye socket like a funnel and poured a jar of peanuts into the large end. Chronos listened to the sound of nuts bouncing their way through Death’s skeletal cavities, making him sound like a pinball machine.

“Very funny.” He took it back and laid it on the counter. “It’s symbolic. You fill it with food and remember to be thankful for the abundance of life.”

“I get that. Do I have to be thankful that Jeeves will be there serving the food?”

Chronos laughed at his friend. “You can be thankful that Lucien will go out of his way to serve you himself.”

“He’d better.” Death snapped his mandible for emphasis. “It’s a wonderful idea he had, hosting a dinner for all of us. I wonder why he’s being so sentimental?”

Chronos shrugged and tied his woven belt over his robe, worn only for special occasions.

“I don’t know but if we don’t leave now, we’ll be late. You know how punctual Evil is.”

Death picked up the cornucopia and tossed it to Chronos. “Maybe you should instruct Jeeves not to serve the mashed potatoes in this. They’d be hard to scrape out, don’t you think?”

Chronos shook his head. “I can see you’re going to be the life of the party.”

Death nodded and put his humerus around Chronos. “I try to be, my friend.”

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I sent out the email yesterday to everyone on the sign up list for the release next Monday of Jewel of Shaylar. Let me know if you didn’t get it. There’s still time to sign up too, if you haven’t yet and would like to. Thank you all for helping me get the word out! You’re a great group of friends. I couldn’t ask for better!

Happy Blitz Day! Today’s victim is Kristen Head from Random Musings from KristenHead. Go say hi to her and tell her she’s been blitzed.

Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.

As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.

Today’s guest is Annetta Ribken. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it and it could prove detrimental to your health.

Annetta: Well, I’m a woman who lives on the edge. Forget the tea–hand me a pitcher of Jezebel’s special punch and let’s see what she’s got.

Mistress: My kind of woman. Jezebel likes you already. See? She even plunked one of those twirly umbrellas in your punch. Hmm…the umbrella’s starting to smoke. You did sign all waivers, right?

While you’re juggling your drink, I’d like to ask you a question. What is Satan’s last name?

Annetta: *watches as the umbrella goes up in flames and reconsiders the offer of tea* I’m sorry, I would love to answer that question but the divorce settlement imposed a gag order. And not the fun kind of gag. *takes a slug of the punch and starts to hear colors*

Mistress: I suspected as much. *turns up the volume on the color orange*

Let me ask you another question. What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?

Annetta: Why, Mistress Snark, I suspect you already know the answer to that question. When an irresistible force hits an immovable object, the result is a writer. Or an editor. And lots of lovely, squirming words. It is from this universes are created. *pointedly looks at the bulging closet door on the other side of the parlor*.

Mistress: Heh. Or a writer and an editor colliding. *signals security to reinforce closet door before Jezebel opens it* Have another sip of punch, dear. You’ll need the fortification for your trip.

You’ve created the stage for my final question, which is a scenario. You’ve been called to negotiate a truce between two warring factions in the new Orange Closet Universe. One side represents the Order of Athena (yes, the one you live with). The other side represents the Order of That (their motto – use “that” in every sentence). Upon arriving, someone, faction unknown, steals your voice. What happens next?

Annetta: I can rule out the Order of Athena immediately, since she is only interested in stealing souls, not voices. And cat treats. The Order of That (curse them!) would not be interested in my voice either–they tend to ignore it completely. Therefore, I must assume there is a third nefarious entity involved. Many others have tried to steal my voice and they have all failed. *takes another sip of punch and feels her hair start to curl. The color orange is particularly loud but Annetta is just grateful it’s not yellow making that racket* There is no simple answer to negotiating a truce between two such stubborn groups, other than to threaten to write them into a story and destroy them in painful and horrible ways unless they behave. Against some evil there is no solution–only an uneasy peace.

Mistress: I agree—oops. Well, there she goes, gentle audience. The closet has claimed our lovely guest. Hopefully, she’ll be able to get her threat across without a voice and return to this universe of silent colors. Did anyone happen to see if Annetta had writing supplies with her?

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Congratulations, Annetta! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.

************************************

Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura@lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.

Next week’s guest in the parlor is Hart Johnson. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!

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Next Monday, the 13th, is release day for Jewel of Shaylar! If you’d like to help me get the word out – on your blog, Facebook, Twitter, smoke signals, rooftop – sign up on my list and I’ll email you all the information before the date. I love you all for being such a great group of supportive people!