Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Michael Offutt. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Michael: I’d love tea. I drink traditional Japanese green tea all the time despite the fact that it makes you piss like a racehorse. *signs all waivers
Mistress: *snatches waivers before he changes his mind* Perfect! I’ll have Jezebel bring it out to you. While we’re waiting for her to brew it, I’d like to ask you a question.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Michael: That’s an interesting question, and it leads me to ask, are mice the natural choice of cats or do they simply eat them because mice are smaller in size? In other words, do we actually have proof that mice taste good? Perhaps chicken or tuna-flavored cat food makes your kitty happier because we know that both of those items do in fact, taste good. I’ve seen a dead mouse or two in my life (killed by a cat). Unless the cat was starving, it rarely finished the meal making me think, it wasn’t all that appealing and did so more out of sport.
Mistress: You could be right, although Jezebel does like to grind them up for – oh, here’s your tea now. Have a sip and let me know how you like it, then answer this next question for our audience.
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
Michael: Because just like in writing, variety is the spice of life.
Mistress: I’m glad you like spice in your life, since mouse spice is in that tea you’re drinking. Uh, your nose is twitching…
Hurrying along, this final question is a scenario. You’re exploring inside an old house, trying to find a secret book reportedly hidden behind a wall in the basement. As you feel along the planks of wood, a mechanism clicks. The wall shifts back, revealing a horde of zombie rats. What happens next?
Michael: My nose is twitching? *grabs mirror and stares at cup of liquefied mouse guts. *promptly pours cup of tea into unsuspecting plant next to window. “Oh my that was so wonderful. I drank it so quickly. Have you by chance seen the movie ‘The Help’? If so, I do want to get you a chocolate pie just to pay you back AND very soon.”
*Once again examines twitching nose.
“Fascinating. Do you know Elizabeth Montgomery? She played Samantha on “Bewitched”, and I always wanted to know how she got her nose to twitch like that. I finally know the secret…it’s your special tea. Honestly, Miss Snark, I should have recognized the Hollywood in you. Girlfriend, you got more glamour on display here than an episode of Desperate Housewives. That dress you’re wearing looks straight out of Lady Gaga’s wardrobe.”
“Oh I’m distracted…the question…what happens next after I see a horde of zombie rats?”
*Looks carefully around corner of the chair
“The only book I know of that would be secret and behind a wall in a morbid basement is the Necronomicon. Given that I’m a fan of the Evil Dead, I think I’d grab my shotgun and Bruce Campbell it up while saying “This is my boomstick!” And then after delivering that one line, I’d run as fast as my chubby legs would carry me. But if I saw the Necronomicon, I’d try to grab that, just cause it’s cool. Now this is only a hypothetical question, right Miss Snark?”
Mistress: Hypothetical? Did you read all of the fine print at the bottom of the waivers?
*winks at the audience*
Chocolate pie, indeed. You shouldn’t talk like that to the Mistress. Have a safe trip, Michael, and do come back to share your experience sometime, will you?
About the Author:
Michael Offutt writes speculative fiction books that have science fiction, LGBT, and paranormal elements. His first book, “Slipstream” has received some critical acclaim and was published by Double Dragon in the spring. The sequel, “Oculus” came out in November 2012. He has one brother, no pets, and a few roots that keep his tree of life sufficiently watered. By day, he works for the State of Utah as a Technical Specialist. By night, he watches lots of t.v., writes, draws, and sometimes dreams of chocolate.
Michael Offutt graduated from the University of Idaho in 1994 with a Bachelor’s degree in English.
He keeps a blog and would appreciate a visit or two even if all you want to do is say hi.
Art relating to books: http://slckismet.blogspot.com/p/my-artwork.html
Congratulations, Michael! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: firstname.lastname@example.org and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Julie Luek. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!
I’m having a cover reveal for Jewel of Shaylar, an epic fantasy, on Monday, February 25th…or anytime that week. If you’d like to help out by revealing it on your blog as well, sign up on the Linky list below and I’ll email you the information! You will have my undying gratitude, along with virtual cookies and punch!