Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Michael Offutt. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Michael: I’d love tea. I drink traditional Japanese green tea all the time despite the fact that it makes you piss like a racehorse. *signs all waivers
Mistress: *snatches waivers before he changes his mind* Perfect! I’ll have Jezebel bring it out to you. While we’re waiting for her to brew it, I’d like to ask you a question.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Michael: That’s an interesting question, and it leads me to ask, are mice the natural choice of cats or do they simply eat them because mice are smaller in size? In other words, do we actually have proof that mice taste good? Perhaps chicken or tuna-flavored cat food makes your kitty happier because we know that both of those items do in fact, taste good. I’ve seen a dead mouse or two in my life (killed by a cat). Unless the cat was starving, it rarely finished the meal making me think, it wasn’t all that appealing and did so more out of sport.
Mistress: You could be right, although Jezebel does like to grind them up for – oh, here’s your tea now. Have a sip and let me know how you like it, then answer this next question for our audience.
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
Michael: Because just like in writing, variety is the spice of life.
Mistress: I’m glad you like spice in your life, since mouse spice is in that tea you’re drinking. Uh, your nose is twitching…
Hurrying along, this final question is a scenario. You’re exploring inside an old house, trying to find a secret book reportedly hidden behind a wall in the basement. As you feel along the planks of wood, a mechanism clicks. The wall shifts back, revealing a horde of zombie rats. What happens next?
Michael: My nose is twitching? *grabs mirror and stares at cup of liquefied mouse guts. *promptly pours cup of tea into unsuspecting plant next to window. “Oh my that was so wonderful. I drank it so quickly. Have you by chance seen the movie ‘The Help’? If so, I do want to get you a chocolate pie just to pay you back AND very soon.”
*Once again examines twitching nose.
“Fascinating. Do you know Elizabeth Montgomery? She played Samantha on “Bewitched”, and I always wanted to know how she got her nose to twitch like that. I finally know the secret…it’s your special tea. Honestly, Miss Snark, I should have recognized the Hollywood in you. Girlfriend, you got more glamour on display here than an episode of Desperate Housewives. That dress you’re wearing looks straight out of Lady Gaga’s wardrobe.”
“Oh I’m distracted…the question…what happens next after I see a horde of zombie rats?”
*Looks carefully around corner of the chair
“The only book I know of that would be secret and behind a wall in a morbid basement is the Necronomicon. Given that I’m a fan of the Evil Dead, I think I’d grab my shotgun and Bruce Campbell it up while saying “This is my boomstick!” And then after delivering that one line, I’d run as fast as my chubby legs would carry me. But if I saw the Necronomicon, I’d try to grab that, just cause it’s cool. Now this is only a hypothetical question, right Miss Snark?”
Mistress: Hypothetical? Did you read all of the fine print at the bottom of the waivers?
*winks at the audience*
Chocolate pie, indeed. You shouldn’t talk like that to the Mistress. Have a safe trip, Michael, and do come back to share your experience sometime, will you?
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About the Author:
Michael Offutt writes speculative fiction books that have science fiction, LGBT, and paranormal elements. His first book, “Slipstream” has received some critical acclaim and was published by Double Dragon in the spring. The sequel, “Oculus” came out in November 2012. He has one brother, no pets, and a few roots that keep his tree of life sufficiently watered. By day, he works for the State of Utah as a Technical Specialist. By night, he watches lots of t.v., writes, draws, and sometimes dreams of chocolate.
Michael Offutt graduated from the University of Idaho in 1994 with a Bachelor’s degree in English.
He keeps a blog and would appreciate a visit or two even if all you want to do is say hi.
Website: http://slckismet.blogspot.com/p/books.html
Art relating to books: http://slckismet.blogspot.com/p/my-artwork.html
Blog: http://slckismet.blogspot.com
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3099632.Michael_Offutt
Twitter: @MichaelOffutt
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Slipstream/164452693676933
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Congratulations, Michael! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
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Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura@lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Julie Luek. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!
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I’m having a cover reveal for Jewel of Shaylar, an epic fantasy, on Monday, February 25th…or anytime that week. If you’d like to help out by revealing it on your blog as well, sign up on the Linky list below and I’ll email you the information! You will have my undying gratitude, along with virtual cookies and punch!
I’m glad to see you survived your tea, Michael. I was worried. I’d never dare threaten Mistress Snark with a chocolate pie from The Help. I rather like Jezebel’s punch — and also like not knowing what she puts in it. Ignorance is bliss!
Ignorance is indeed bliss, Ron. Michael thought he could slide that pie right over but look where it got him. Nobody messes with the Mistress!
Hi Mistress Snark and Michael .. zombie rats – I think I might clamber into the wall and shut the door – sincerely hoping the rats weren’t clever enough to find the open switch! Chocolate pie – gorgeous mess and would attract the zombies and mice … Mice spice … I think I’ll look in my herb cupboard carefully and read the small print … just very glad Michael was able to escape Jezebel’s parlour …
Square sandwiches and live mice … interesting questions .. cheers Hilary
I do hope you don’t find any zombie rats or mouse spice in your cupboards, Hilary!
Yes, Michael managed to escape relatively unscathed.
You’d have to end the carnage with “Groovy!”
That’s a nice touch, Alex.
Very well done Michael. Although I have to agree with Ron, in the case of Ms. Snark and Jezebel, I do believe a little ignorance goes a long way to survival. Still, it’s nice to see someone parry with some success.
I’m up next for the tea visit. I’m trying to ingest a little something poisonous every day just to prepare my system…
A little poison each day, huh? Bwahahaha! How’s that working out, Julie?
EWWWWWWWWW! Liquified mouse guts!!!!! You never know what you’re gonna find when the Mistress is serving tea. Very funny, Mr. Michael!
As you well know, Cathy.
what a fun and disgusting discussion! ha!
it was like a competition to gross each other out but with sophisticated tea manners!
Decorum must be observed at all times during high tea, Tara, even if the subject matter is less than savory.
Mouse guts! Arrrrg. And before breakfast, too. You two are having an “interesting” tea together, I must say. Carry on.
It was quite interesting, Lee!
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That pie I promised.
I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t fully recovered, Michael. You should get that twitch looked at by a witch doctor…
A “twitch” doctor perhaps?
Dear, dear me. I knew it would go sadly awry when you entrusted the bringing out of the tea to Jezebel. No one declines Jezebel’s punch with impunity.
Still, apart from a twitch, Michael seems to have escaped without (too much) harm. Braver man that I am.
That, of course, should have been “Braver man than I am.”
It must be all the snow here in KC.
Or perhaps you’re developing a sympathetic twitch, Kevin.
A Twitch Doctor…bwahahaha!
Jezebel is still hoping to wrap a tentacle around you in the parlor one day…
That was great.
Hi Cindy! Thanks for stopping by and I’m glad you enjoyed it.
*giggles* You know what I think? Different cats like different stuff… we are on our 4th cat and she s the first to not like fish or milk… She seems to like chicken and crackers… and should I offer it, she might like mouse. I had another cat who was a terrible beer thief…… and I can wiggle my nose, but it goes up and down rather than side to side. I can’t share any enlightenment on the side to side thing.
MMMMMMM, pie…
You wouldn’t like Michael’s pie, Hart. *giggles*
Yes, cats are so wonderfully unique!
I hope Michael has recovered. Jezebel is quite clever.
I think Michael might be plotting revenge on Jezebel, Carol. Of course, we know she will always be victorious!
My childhood cat never ate his mice either. My current cats love moths. They must be very tasty.
I’ve heard that moths are lightly seasoned and flutter as they go down, Mary.
I adored Jezebel’s punch – and still think she should market it.
I do hope that Michael makes a full recovery – and quckly before he runs into a cat who does like to eat their mice…
Though one of our cats used a mouse for revenge. My partner had been bad mouthing the cats on the subject of mice in a house with three cats. The next morning as he got dressed for work a mouse head rolled out of his shoe. I giggled (and so did the cats).
I love that story, EC! A mouse head in his shoe…bawahahaha!
I love the back and forth!
It’s quite fun, Damyanti.
LOL; loved your mouse flavored cat food answer Michael. I have to agree, given the number of severed heads and bodies I find lying around my bedroom. I’d be running from the zombie rats too
I hope your nose has stopped twitching.
………dhole
Severed heads and bodies in your bedroom, Donna…you must live an interesting life.
Semara can’t stomach rat hair in her soup, so I can’t imagine she’d want it in her tea. I think I should force the princess to come visit Mrs. Snark. The only problem is she’s underage.
Micheal and Laura, the second I saw this was you two I took my coffee and sat down to read every word. You are both some of my favorite bloggers. I never know what I’ll read. I love a good surprise.
Thank you, Ciara! You should sit down in the parlor sometime and have a sip of tea.
Send Semara this way as soon as she turns eighteen. We’ll give her something to talk about…
Necronomicon FTW!
Michael is twitching his whiskers in approval at you, Matthew.
Congrats for surviving the tea, Michael, even if your nose is slightly longer and pointier than it was before…
*snarf* That was a good one, Lexa!
Don’t know if I should’ve read this before my lunch….
My former cat caught mice but she’d just play with them. But once she caught and ate a bird, and the only proof I found was the head, so I’m assuming she even ate the feathers. But I have seen a dog (Australian Shepherd) catch and eat a mouse. Gross.
I do hope you finished your lunch all right, Helena. I had a friend whose cat always left pieces of gopher around the house.
That makes me glad I don’t drink tea or eat mice. I think Michael’s wise to run from the zombie rats. Unless he had some zombie cats. Wouldn’t that be something to watch?
Ha! That would be fun to watch, Christine. Zombie cats chasing zombie rats.
What’s hilarious is that I’m sat next to the boys as they watch Tom & Jerry
Another great tea-time… but I shall hold off on eating a snack for an hour or two
Aww…no snacks, Mark?
That’s funny you’d be watching a cat and mouse show!
I have a different theory about mouse food. You’d have to kill a lot of mice for very little food. Tough to make a profit. More meat on a chicken or cow.
Quite true, Theresa.
Thanks for stopping by!