Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Mark Koopmans. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Mark: (Looks around and slides into seat.) Aloha, and thanks for the invite, but is it OK if I try the punch instead of the tea? I’ve never been a fan of tea, but *need* my daily requirement of several cups of coffee. Is the punch homemade? Can I choose a flavoring? Am I asking too many questions already?
Mistress: Yes, the punch is Jezebel’s homemade blend, but she won’t give you a clue as to the flavor, I’m afraid. As for asking too many questions, I’m sure you’ll slow down once you’ve taken a sip or two.
I’d like to ask you a question before you can think of another one, though. Can you get cornered in a round room?
Mark: Can I get cornered in a round room? Well, it depends on whether I am the Corner-ee or the Corner-er. I would like to think, as the Beacon of Baldness, that my shiny magnanimousity allows one to not hog the conversation, but alas I must say that in my past, I was more the Corner-er than I was ever the Corner-ee.
Is there any more tea? I’m myself confusing?
Mistress: Of course there’s more tea. Help yourself.
*waves to Jezebel and winks at the studio audience*
While you’re sipping…uh, gulping your tea, I’d like to ask you another question. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Mark: Wow, this tea tastes like coffee… are you suffering from staffing issues by any chance? I know it’s hard to find good people these days. Why I myself once drank a case of Root Beer when I first landed in America and woke up the next morning with nary a hangover, (but certainly a full bladder.)
Anyway, I digest. What’s fascinating about this question is that I know the answer. As you may know, the gentleman who invented the Smurfs, Peyo, is from Belgium and my last name, Koopmans, comes from Holland.
Therefore, I am practically neighbors with the P-meister (as we call him) and I have it upon good knowledge that a choking Smurf will indeed turn Orange, which is the national color of the Netherlands.
However, I am left troubled by one small aspect of the above question: What sick, twisted mind would want to choke Papa Smurf in the first place? He’s just so cute that I want to bite his nose off!
Mistress: I wouldn’t worry about someone choking Smurfs as much as Jezebel turning purple over there after you dissed her tea. No telling what may happen to you now, but I’m sure we’ll soon find out.
While you’re still coherent, I’d like to propose a scenario as your last question. You’re lying in a hammock admiring the rainforest. Just you and nature for miles around. You hear thrashing in the bushes and a band of zombie monkeys charge you. What happens next?
Mark: Well, of course, nothing happens because once the marauding band of zombie monkeys is transfixed by the sheen of my Beacon of Baldness, I am able to remove myself from the forest (albeit with a sore back from all that doubled-over traversing of the Amazon.)
I stretch and look around, confused and worried.
“The books! Why are there no books here,” I cry out. “And no Starbucks either. That Jezebel and her tea, I swear. Well, I shall then safely leave the forest. The zombie primates are dead, there is no chance of any harm befa- …”
Mistress: Well, *clears throat* I guess Jezebel had the last laugh on him, but don’t worry, gentle audience. I’m sure that Mark is out there…somewhere…perhaps sitting in a Starbucks with a monkey on his back while reading a zombie book.
***********************
BIO: “I’m a husband, former journalist, current writer and stay-at-home dad to three boys ages five and under.
Blog link: http://markkoopmans.blogspot.com
Twitter: @markjkoopmans
***************************************
Congratulations, Mark! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
***************
Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura@lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Michael Offutt. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with him!
***************
I’m having a cover reveal for Jewel of Shaylar, an epic fantasy, on Monday, February 25th…or anytime that week. If you’d like to help out by revealing it on your blog as well, sign up on the Linky list below and I’ll email you the information! You will have my undying gratitude, along with virtual cookies and punch!
Hey Laura,
Just got back from my adventures with the zombie Monkeys and I never knew they played popular music in the 1970s…. just fascinating, I must say.
In any event, thanks again, it was splendid to spend a jolly afternoon with her Snarkiness (although that Jezabel needs to accept that coffee is here to stay:)
I am delighted you made it back home again, Mark. Amazing what they did in the ’70s, isn’t it? Thanks so much for playing.
Dissing Jezebel’s punch! Sadly I find myself a tad peeved on her behalf. Very foolish of me since Jezebel is more than able to look after herself. Starbucks – shudder.
Don’t shudder… live for the next Venti Triple Shot Hot Cafe Latte
EC, I think Mark is looking for a showdown with Jezebel, don’t you?
I guess he’ll keep poking her until she shows her teeth.
Teeth or tentacles – whichever suits her best.
Or possibly both at the same time, EC.
Hi Laura .. and Mark – that bald head comes in good use doesn’t it! I suspect that Mark is safely home in Hawaii with sons, sand and a beer – a real beer …. wondering what that dream was about … but he still can’t see the zombies and Jezebel hiding in the pineapple groves ..
Cheers and enjoy that warm weather! Pancake day today … I wonder what Jezebel would do to them … good thing she’s not in England at the moment … Hilary
Happy Pancake Day, Hilary…. can I have a beer-flavored one
You’re right, Hilary! Warning! Stay out of the pineapple fields, Mark.
Pancake Day…Jezebel could do wonders with those. Eat up while you can, as she’s still asleep.
I think the ‘Beacon of Baldness’ blended well with Mistress Snark. Maybe you want to offer him a part time job, perhaps running the stage lights? Or as an exit sign?
I’ll light up the way home!!!
Love it, Alex! The exit sign…
I’m afraid Jezebel might put him in the crosshairs if he came back though.
Well done, Mark. I think you dodged and parried with the best of them. Speaking of monkeys on the back –a very cute daddy picture.:)
Thanks, Julie… apparently, I was to receive a shave from my little barber when this pic was taken
He dodged and parried well, Julie.
And that is a sweet photo!
Now I want to choke a Smurf!
You and I share the same violent tendencies, Diane.
Bring in the smurfs!
Nice interview
Poor lil Smurfs! here in Perth we have a new arena called Perth Arena, but I call it the Smurf Arena ’cause it’s almost entirely bright blue on the inside! 
A bit on the outside too.
Ha! Smurf Arena.
Thanks for stopping by, Trisha!
Awesome interview–totally had me laughing! Hmm, zombie primates–may have to remember that one!
Mark was a great guest, Meradeth – especially holding up well under the zombie primate attack.
I knew I had to come and watch your back. You NEVER ignore the zombie monkeys Mark!!! Good thing I brought armed Smurfs.
Goodness gracious, the man’s bald head has made him susceptible to sunstroke!
You sound quite knowledgeable, Elizabeth! Perhaps you could give Mark some pointers. Armed Smurfs? I’ve never seen one before. Make sure Jezebel doesn’t get ahold of one…just sayin’.
Few people know this…but Mark and I are twins separated prior to conception. I’m the one with the brains, he got the looks. So yes, I am knowledgeable. Warn Jezebel to wear boots. The Smurfs are pretty much just ankle biters.
Awesome! Although Jez doesn’t have ankles…not usually, anyway. She prefers to wear her tentacles most days.
I always suspected that “The Walking Dead” and its zombie apocalypse started with something that Miss Snark brewed. Now I have the first evidence to that. Theory forthcoming.
You have found me out, Michael.
I suppose you can be cornered in a round room if you want to be. If a shiny head protects one from zombies, perhaps I should shave mine.
It would be an interesting look, Mary.
Lesson, never diss the person who serves or makes your meals. Gotta love a forest with zombie monkeys.
Very important lesson, Sheena-kay!
Thank God you had your shining baldness to deflect the zombie monkeys. I think I might shave my head just in case I ever find myself in that situation…
Hi Tamara! Baldness does seem to have some unintended usefullness, doesn’t it?
The Monkeys were zombies? That explains a lot. I’m sure Jezebel’s beverage was responsible for that insight.
Jezebel has remarkable powers, doesn’t she, Ron? Definitely not one to mess with.
I admire Mark for doing so, but I could never be that brave. And, needless to say, I very much liked her punch.
I think you’ll need a gallon of it for your special challenge in April.
This visit was worth it to see the picture of you with a monkey on your back, Mark. Too cute!
(Didn’t they tell you? That’s what happens when you give them sugar and caffeine. LOL)
He must have missed that memo, Melissa.
Thanks for stopping by!
Jezebel doesn’t waste any time getting revenge when you tick her off, does she? Fun post as always, and what a great picture of Mark and his little guy!
Looking forward to Michael’s visit next week.
Jezebel is quick to strike, Julie. It’s part of her charm.
Didn’t you tell Mark that Jezebel is the only one allowed to get away with monkey business? Fun, fun interview!
I guess I forgot to mention that, Carol!
I’m surprised he made it out alive after dissing the tea. Hmm, smurfs turn orange when strangled … never would’ve guessed it!
Some people don’t take Jezebel very seriously, Cherie. Not until it’s too late.
Mark is usually entertaining, but here having tea, it was hilarious. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to strangle the Smurfs except Gargamel. Why does everyone forget him?
I rarely watched the Smurfs, Christine, so I can’t say why people forget Gargamel. But if he wanted to strangle them, I’d say he’s my hero. Those little blue marshmellows were annoying.