Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Mark Koopmans. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Mark: (Looks around and slides into seat.) Aloha, and thanks for the invite, but is it OK if I try the punch instead of the tea? I’ve never been a fan of tea, but *need* my daily requirement of several cups of coffee. Is the punch homemade? Can I choose a flavoring? Am I asking too many questions already?
Mistress: Yes, the punch is Jezebel’s homemade blend, but she won’t give you a clue as to the flavor, I’m afraid. As for asking too many questions, I’m sure you’ll slow down once you’ve taken a sip or two.
I’d like to ask you a question before you can think of another one, though. Can you get cornered in a round room?
Mark: Can I get cornered in a round room? Well, it depends on whether I am the Corner-ee or the Corner-er. I would like to think, as the Beacon of Baldness, that my shiny magnanimousity allows one to not hog the conversation, but alas I must say that in my past, I was more the Corner-er than I was ever the Corner-ee.
Is there any more tea? I’m myself confusing?
Mistress: Of course there’s more tea. Help yourself.
*waves to Jezebel and winks at the studio audience*
While you’re sipping…uh, gulping your tea, I’d like to ask you another question. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Mark: Wow, this tea tastes like coffee… are you suffering from staffing issues by any chance? I know it’s hard to find good people these days. Why I myself once drank a case of Root Beer when I first landed in America and woke up the next morning with nary a hangover, (but certainly a full bladder.)
Anyway, I digest. What’s fascinating about this question is that I know the answer. As you may know, the gentleman who invented the Smurfs, Peyo, is from Belgium and my last name, Koopmans, comes from Holland.
Therefore, I am practically neighbors with the P-meister (as we call him) and I have it upon good knowledge that a choking Smurf will indeed turn Orange, which is the national color of the Netherlands.
However, I am left troubled by one small aspect of the above question: What sick, twisted mind would want to choke Papa Smurf in the first place? He’s just so cute that I want to bite his nose off!
Mistress: I wouldn’t worry about someone choking Smurfs as much as Jezebel turning purple over there after you dissed her tea. No telling what may happen to you now, but I’m sure we’ll soon find out.
While you’re still coherent, I’d like to propose a scenario as your last question. You’re lying in a hammock admiring the rainforest. Just you and nature for miles around. You hear thrashing in the bushes and a band of zombie monkeys charge you. What happens next?
Mark: Well, of course, nothing happens because once the marauding band of zombie monkeys is transfixed by the sheen of my Beacon of Baldness, I am able to remove myself from the forest (albeit with a sore back from all that doubled-over traversing of the Amazon.)
I stretch and look around, confused and worried.
“The books! Why are there no books here,” I cry out. “And no Starbucks either. That Jezebel and her tea, I swear. Well, I shall then safely leave the forest. The zombie primates are dead, there is no chance of any harm befa- …”
Mistress: Well, *clears throat* I guess Jezebel had the last laugh on him, but don’t worry, gentle audience. I’m sure that Mark is out there…somewhere…perhaps sitting in a Starbucks with a monkey on his back while reading a zombie book.
BIO: “I’m a husband, former journalist, current writer and stay-at-home dad to three boys ages five and under.
Blog link: http://markkoopmans.blogspot.com
Congratulations, Mark! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: firstname.lastname@example.org and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Michael Offutt. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with him!
I’m having a cover reveal for Jewel of Shaylar, an epic fantasy, on Monday, February 25th…or anytime that week. If you’d like to help out by revealing it on your blog as well, sign up on the Linky list below and I’ll email you the information! You will have my undying gratitude, along with virtual cookies and punch!