Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Ellie Garratt. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Ellie: Good afternoon Mistress Snark and thank you for welcoming me into your parlor. A cup of tea in your finest bone china would be perfect. Stirred anti-clockwise of course.
Mistress: I see you’re familiar with the disastrous effects of stirring clockwise while using bone china.
If we’re all settled now, here is your first question. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?
Ellie: The answer is simple. Invisible jet propulsion. It allows ghosts to hover a few inches above the floor. NASA have been working on a way to replicate this ethereal technology for decades now, with little success. I believe the Chinese are close to cracking the technology, though. Something to do with Pandas and bamboo.
Mistress: I’ve always said Pandas have more to offer than just looking cute and cuddly.
The second question I have is this: Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don’t taste or smell anything like it?
Ellie: I read somewhere rubber plants smell like rubber, which is odd because they don’t look like pencil erasers. Grapes are evil. I squash them whenever I get the chance. By the way my neighbour’s second cousin grows bananas. They’re yellow.
Mistress: I guess you won’t be interested in sampling the grape jellies then. Squashing grapes sounds rather messy. Perhaps you could use them as small missiles to target your neighbor’s second cousin’s bananas? They would disguise the freakish yellow color…
This final question is a scenario. You’re on a cruise ship, in the glass elevator with several other guests, all dressed for dinner. As you approach the main floor, you see zombies attacking people. One of the guests in the elevator with you starts to turn into one. What would you do next?
Ellie: I would sing. There is nothing better than music to accompany dinner. Love on the Rocks. Solitary Man. Red Red Wine. Kentucky Fried Woman. Anything by Neil Diamond will do. Did I mention the restraining order? Ketch up would be lovely. Thank you.
Mistress: Yes, music with dinner is always welcome. Catsup can disguise any undesirable flavors, as well. I wasn’t aware of the restraining order but we’ll keep that a secret. Remember, no harming the guest audience as you leave and thank you for a most memorable chat.
A life-long addiction to reading science fiction and horror, meant writing was the logical outlet for Ellie Garratt’s passions. She is a reader, writer, blogger, Trekkie, and would happily die to be an extra in The Walking Dead. Her short stories have been published in anthologies and online. Passing Time is her first eBook collection and contains nine previously published stories. Her science fiction collection Taking Time will be published later in the year.
Congratulations, Ellie! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: email@example.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Elephant’s Child. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!
I’m having a cover reveal for Jewel of Shaylar, an epic fantasy, on Monday, February 25th…or anytime that week. If you’d like to help out by revealing it on your blog as well, sign up on the Linky list below and I’ll email you the information! You will have my undying gratitude, along with virtual cookies and punch!