Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Ellie Garratt. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Ellie: Good afternoon Mistress Snark and thank you for welcoming me into your parlor. A cup of tea in your finest bone china would be perfect. Stirred anti-clockwise of course.
Mistress: I see you’re familiar with the disastrous effects of stirring clockwise while using bone china.
If we’re all settled now, here is your first question. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?
Ellie: The answer is simple. Invisible jet propulsion. It allows ghosts to hover a few inches above the floor. NASA have been working on a way to replicate this ethereal technology for decades now, with little success. I believe the Chinese are close to cracking the technology, though. Something to do with Pandas and bamboo.
Mistress: I’ve always said Pandas have more to offer than just looking cute and cuddly.
The second question I have is this: Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don’t taste or smell anything like it?
Ellie: I read somewhere rubber plants smell like rubber, which is odd because they don’t look like pencil erasers. Grapes are evil. I squash them whenever I get the chance. By the way my neighbour’s second cousin grows bananas. They’re yellow.
Mistress: I guess you won’t be interested in sampling the grape jellies then. Squashing grapes sounds rather messy. Perhaps you could use them as small missiles to target your neighbor’s second cousin’s bananas? They would disguise the freakish yellow color…
This final question is a scenario. You’re on a cruise ship, in the glass elevator with several other guests, all dressed for dinner. As you approach the main floor, you see zombies attacking people. One of the guests in the elevator with you starts to turn into one. What would you do next?
Ellie: I would sing. There is nothing better than music to accompany dinner. Love on the Rocks. Solitary Man. Red Red Wine. Kentucky Fried Woman. Anything by Neil Diamond will do. Did I mention the restraining order? Ketch up would be lovely. Thank you.
Mistress: Yes, music with dinner is always welcome. Catsup can disguise any undesirable flavors, as well. I wasn’t aware of the restraining order but we’ll keep that a secret. Remember, no harming the guest audience as you leave and thank you for a most memorable chat.
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A life-long addiction to reading science fiction and horror, meant writing was the logical outlet for Ellie Garratt’s passions. She is a reader, writer, blogger, Trekkie, and would happily die to be an extra in The Walking Dead. Her short stories have been published in anthologies and online. Passing Time is her first eBook collection and contains nine previously published stories. Her science fiction collection Taking Time will be published later in the year.
Author Links
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Congratulations, Ellie! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
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Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura@lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Elephant’s Child. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!
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I’m having a cover reveal for Jewel of Shaylar, an epic fantasy, on Monday, February 25th…or anytime that week. If you’d like to help out by revealing it on your blog as well, sign up on the Linky list below and I’ll email you the information! You will have my undying gratitude, along with virtual cookies and punch!
Hi Laura .. that’s good to read Ellie’s tea with Mistress Snark … bone china that would make sense as Ellie lives in the direction of the china clay pits …. but a zombie reveal in close proximity in a lift might worry me a little – then ketchup is a good idea – they wouldn’t have a sense of smell and just might slip on the ketchup rather than the banana they’d definitely try and avoid – giving Ellie or me a chance to get clear. Fun tale – squashing grapes and not leaving them whole – I’d endorse that …. cheers Hilary
Oh my…Hilary…I think you and Ellie should get together and have tea sometime. The subjects you two could cover!
I think we should!
I hope the Chinese research is successful very soon. Hovering a few inches off the floor would largely alleviate the ‘what disgusting thing did I just walk through’ scenario and would, consequently be good for the carpet as well.
I do hope those squashed grapes are put to good use though.
EC – That would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? No more dodging cat yak before you’re awake enough to walk straight. I wonder if Death’s peanuts would float above Chronos’ carpet?
Ellie’s a rubber plant sniffer. I never knew.
Ellie’s been a secret imbiber, Alex.
Yes. I have quite the rubber plant fetish.
Did someone just slip some of Jezzie’s punch in my morning java joy? The whole rubber plant pencil eraser thing had me mewling just a little tiny bit.
A good question, Mistress: why does grape flavour taste nothing at all like grapes?????? The world is so weird.
I don’t have an answer, Cathy. Perhaps they flavor it to disguise the wine taste?
What happens when evil grapes and yellow bananas merge? I’m relieved you all stirred the tea in the correct direction.
Merging them could be disasterous, Mary – especially if the tea had been stirred the wrong way. I shudder to think.
It did happen once, and the we had The Big Bang.
I’m totally in for the cover reveal, can’t wait to see it!
LOL, I never thought about that with grapes but you have a good point there. I think Ellie’s right and they are evil. Another fun tea with the Mistress.
Thank you, Julie!
Ellie was such a fun guest. I do hope she hasn’t incurred any additional restraining orders as a result of the interview.
Only one from The Royal Society for Bananas and Grapes.
You could make Red, Red Wine from those squashed grapes and have wine with your banana
Hello, Mistress Snark.
Banana wine? Genius, Carol!
I love this series with Miss Snark. And i have to say, Ellie held her own during the interview. I love that they were discussing pandas, grapes and bananas. Not usual topics during an interview but hell, was it fun!
Nutschell
http://www.thewritingnut.com
Ellie held her own and had wonderful choices in topics, Nutschell!
Aw. Those were the nicest comments I’ve read in ages.
Grapes are evil!??! But they look so tiny and cute and perfectly formed and come in two colours!! Yikes!!
What a fun interview – if a little surreal! LOL!! Pandas! Who doesn’t love a panda!?!?
Take care
x
Hi Old Kitty! Sneaky little things – so cuddly looking at all. Who knew they could be evil?
Thanks for stopping by! Mistress Snark aims for the surreal in all things.
I laughed aloud with the funny bit about grapes. I LOVE grapes, so I guess I squish them too. In my belly!!!!!
Don’t tell Ellie you love grapes, Jay! She might throw her neighbor’s second cousin’s bananas at you…
Banana torpedo at the ready. Now if only I knew the right direction…
Stopping by to welcome you on board the A to Z Challenge April 2013
Look forward to your challenge posts!
Twitter: @AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge
Hi Damyanti! Looking forward to it.
I would’ve done just what Ellie did when she found herself among zombies. When in Rome . . . . And she was on her way to dinner anyway. It’s always good to try something new. In view of Ellie’s restraining order, though, roast human might not have been new to her.
I also got that impression, Ron. Especially after she mentioned Kentucky Fried Woman and Ketchup in the same paragraph. It’s always good to sing for your supper though.
Ssh. We don’t want everyone wanting ‘the special meat’.
lol.. loved this! I now know not to stir clockwise when drinking from bone china. Phew! Glad that’s settled.
That is very important information, PK. The consequences for stirring wrong can be devastating.
Invisible jet packs. That explains everything.
I think it’s the answer to everything, Diane.
Glad to have you with us for the A to Z Challenge!
Glad to be aboard, Lee! Thank you for coming up with such a brilliant idea!
Sorry I’m too late for the actual tea party, but a protoplasmic image of your interview lingers enough for me to see it play out over and over again in a timeless loop – or at least until your essences want more tea. What’s in that stuff?
This was delightful. If ever I’m brave enough for a parlor visit with the Mistress, I’ll make sure to prepare. I hope it doesn’t include wearing fishnets or a ball-gag.
Oh, a potential vict…guest! Hi ML.
You shouldn’t give me ammo for questions, you know. Fishnets…
Great Tea time!!
I had no idea that grapes were evil but it does explain a lot.
Good grief, catsup IS an undesirable flavor! Just saying.
Always fun to read these interviews!
Hi Lexie! The guests here, while under the, ah, influence, can reveal remarkable things.