Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Carol Kilgore. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Carol: It’s late afternoon, and I’m in no mood for tea. Or sandwiches. I’ll try Jezebel’s special punch. Rum punch would be awesome, but I’m afraid her special punch may be a left hook. Maybe I better go put on protective gear before the punch arrives. I’ll be right back.
Mistress: I must say, your protective gear is quite the fashion statement. It’s always wise to be prepared around Jez.
Now for your first question. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Carol: How did you know this? You’re using your special powers again, aren’t you? But I see at least part of my alpha wave blocking system worked. What? You still want an answer? Very well. Those driving faster than me are definitely idiots because I speed. There. I said it. So if I’m already going too fast, they’re idiots looking for trouble. Or a ticket. If the officer isn’t looking in my direction when I pass, I’ll wave. MORON = Motor Operator Rigidly Obeying Nothing. And why do MORONS insist on driving in the fast lane? Many times they leave the blinker on. It flashes again and again: mo-ron, mo-ron, mo-ron….
Mistress: Special powers? *inspects fingernails* I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. I should point out, however, that state police officers are frequent guests in my studio audience. You might want to switch cars…
On to my second question: Why do they put holes in crackers?
Carol: State police? Hang on … OK, got the car listed on Craigslist. That’s where I found this great protective gear. All kinds of stuff listed over there. You can find anything. Where was I? Oh, yeah, holes in crackers. You’d think cracker makers would put cracks in crackers. But I do know why they chose holes instead of cracks. If they put cracks, the cracker would fall through, and no one would ever think about crackers again. The cracker makers would go out of business. That’s what happened with Twinkies, you know. I heard that from a reliable source. Honest.
Mistress: I think you’ve hit on the explanation of black holes and why Twinkies still look fresh after twenty years…
Your last question is a scenario. I understand you own a happening joint on the Texas coast called The Tiki Hut, so picture this: business is jumping, a crowd of happy people relaxing and drinking rum punch with those little umbrellas stuck in a piece of fruit. You only have one bottle of rum left behind the bar.
Someone screams and points at the water, where mutant sharks have surfaced. Another shout from the back warns of a line of zombies approaching. What will you do next?
Carol: First I’d grab my aluminum foil helmet so the zombies wouldn’t know I had a brain. Then I’d grab the rum and head for the hammock. Everyone knows regular sharks have tiny little brains, but those mutant ones … their brains run all the way down their spines and spread out inside that fat dorsal fin. The zombies can smell them. But the mutant sharks are cunning. They showed themselves to entice the zombies to the water. Zombies are their favorite treat. The game could go either way. It’s more fun to watch than football!
Mistress: And there you have it, gentle audience. Zombies vs. Mutant Sharks – a better game than football. I suspect the southern coastlines will see an increase in population soon…along with a rise in aluminum foil helmet sales. You’d better stock up on more rum at The Tiki Hut, Carol.
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About the Author
Carol Kilgore has always had stories and characters in her head, but she didn’t know she should write them down until about a dozen years ago. Once she started, she couldn’t stop.
Her first published short story won the Derringer Award for Best Short-Short Mystery. She continued to write short fiction for a few years and also enjoyed a small success as a freelancer before giving it all up for her true love—novels.
Carol’s debut novel, In Name Only, was the fifth novel she had written. She writes a blend of mystery, suspense, and romance she calls Crime Fiction with a Kiss. Always at least one crime; always a love story.
As the wife of a Coast Guard officer, Carol has lived in locations across the U.S. She and her husband now live in a San Antonio suburb and share their home and patio with two active herding dogs that guard her every move.
You can find Carol here:
website. blog . facebook . twitter . goodreads . amazon
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Congratulations, Carol! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
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Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura (AT) lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Angela Brown. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!
Ooooh. I am very, very impressed. And my brain hurts. Both cells hurt.
Carol was an impressive guest, EC. And I’m jealous. You have two brain cells? I only have one.
It’s my understanding that aluminum foil helmets are conducive to brain cell reproduction. I know my brain feels happy when I wear mine
Hi Laura and Carol – I see I was right … Mistress Snark managed to wipe the smile off Carol’s face – she’s had a most cheerful one beaming out at us, as she promotes her new book … wonder what Mistress Snark did .. unless aluminium sparks the switch off …
Cheers – Hilary
Haha! Carol’s still smiling, Hilary. She’s out there in a hammock right now, watching the zombie vs mutant shark game as we speak.
You bet! The sharks were taking the zombies down bad at the beginning, but now it’s a real fin biter.
The more kids I have, the bigger my mini-van, the slower I drive. With the DVD player turned on, driving is the only quiet I get. But I do let others get around me. It bothers me the most when people block intersections – WHY?!
Great to hear about your success – 5 novels is an awesome achievement!
Hi, Tonja. If you see Carol zoom past you wearing an aluminum helmet, turn your DVD down and check your rearview mirror. Just sayin’…
I always give minivans and large white Lincolns a wide berth
This was great fun as always. Carol you did admirably well hitting answers against Mistress Snark’s curveballs. Congratulations on your book.
Yes, Julie, Carol dishes back as good as she gets…and she walked out of the studio on her own two feet! Extraordinary.
Thanks for inviting me to share in Mistress Snark’s exquisite company. I do still have a slight limp. . . .
Mistress Snark is tough. And so is Jezebel. They play a sneaky game of good cop/bad cop, too.
Which one is which, Carol?
They’re mercurial.
Hilarious!
Yeah, I’d just let the zombies and mutant sharks have at it. It would be like Zombieland meets Sharktopus.
Not too many idiots out when I’m driving as I drive really fast as well. Plenty of mo-rons though!
Mo-rons, mo-rons…I’m going to have that little rhyme stuck in my head now, Alex.
They’re everywhere – worse than zombies
Zombies and sharks? Now there’s a game I’d pay to see! I bet they wouldn’t go on strike like the NHL players, either. Great interview, everyone! And Carol, best of luck with the new book!
Cathy, I have it straight from a captured zombie that strikes equal undead death. He said that no self-respecting zombie wanted to go there. Thanks for the good wishes
Cathy, I’m sure Carol would invite you to the Tiki Hut anytime to watch the festivities. She has rum, too.
RUM!
LOL – aluminum foil helmet! Just like the movie Signs.
I haven’t seen that movie, Diane, but Carol swears by it!
Someone stole my idea? Oh no
Now there’s a sport I’d watch! Let’s see which team is the last one standing and eating their opponents. Excellent interview.
It seems an excellent way to get rid of your opponents, Christine.
I see two zombies still standing, and a few fins. Someone must have called a time out. I hope they sent someone to buy more rum….
There are so many morons in my town… I was stuck behind several who couldn’t manage faster than 20 today. Don’t they know I had a deadline?
I’ll have to get me an aluminum foil helmet if they’re that effective.
Mo-ron, mo-ron…
You might want to check the effect of your helmet around the telescopes, Mary. You might attract flying saucers up there on the mountain.
Morons neither know nor care. It’s their fatal flaw.
If you duct tape a coat hanger into your aluminum foil hat, you may be able to make contact with those flying saucers
Duct taping a coat hanger into an aluminum foil hat in order to make contact with flying saucers? I’ve tried to warn your afternoon tea visitors, Laura. Jezebel’s punch is one powerful drink. I only wish I had the recipe so that I could make it at home.
You did try to warn them, Ron.
I don’t think you should get the recipe(s). There’s no telling what might happen if you drink it on a regular basis.
I have a headache.
I grew up in a town of morons…
Great post! Carol is so clever
I think they’ve spread globally, Michelle. Did your town forget to quarantine them?
Laura is right. Morons are everywhere!
Aluminum foil helmet? LOL. I guess some one should tell the characters on The Walking Dead about that one. They are TSTL.
That was hysterical. Great fun!
Carol was a blast to interview, Ciara. I mean, who would have known she loves bloodthirsty sports and wears a helmet like that? She looks so sweet in her photo…
Of course I’m sweet
Have you seen my nail file?
Did no one tell the producers about mutant sharks?
LOL, I want an aluminum foil helmet too. What a fun post! Great job Laura and Carol.
I think Carol might have started a new trend in survival gear, Julie.
Aluminum Survival Helmet! Only $9.99 plus shipping and handling. But wait…there’s more! Buy yours today and you get TWO Aluminum Survival Helmets, both for the low price of $9.99 plus shipping and handling. Not available in Montana and North Dakota. State tax may apply.
*sigh* There are always a couple of states who insist on getting eaten…
That was great. I never put the moron/idiot comment together, but you are so right.
It’s the aluminum foil helmet that charges up her brain cells, Jennifer. Carol swears it helps her to make those random connections.
I see Laura attributes it to the aluminum helmet. I’m pretty sure it was Jezebel’s punch.
Jezebel acknowledges your accolades, Carol.
Perhaps if I meet her again, she’ll remember my respect.