Welcome to Mistress Snark’s Tuesday Tea. Afternoon tea is a most civilized British invention – an opportunity to snack with impunity. However, in Mistress Snark’s parlor, you never know what might be floating in your tea or what those cute little sandwiches are hiding under the bread.
As full disclosure, any guest appearing here must sign the usual waivers regarding food poisoning, bodily harm caused by Jezebel, random attacks by minions, or permanent brain damage resulting from the questions posed.
Today’s guest is Carol Kilgore. It’s so nice to have you here today. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps Jezebel’s special punch? I don’t know what’s in it.
Carol: It’s late afternoon, and I’m in no mood for tea. Or sandwiches. I’ll try Jezebel’s special punch. Rum punch would be awesome, but I’m afraid her special punch may be a left hook. Maybe I better go put on protective gear before the punch arrives. I’ll be right back.
Mistress: I must say, your protective gear is quite the fashion statement. It’s always wise to be prepared around Jez.
Now for your first question. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Carol: How did you know this? You’re using your special powers again, aren’t you? But I see at least part of my alpha wave blocking system worked. What? You still want an answer? Very well. Those driving faster than me are definitely idiots because I speed. There. I said it. So if I’m already going too fast, they’re idiots looking for trouble. Or a ticket. If the officer isn’t looking in my direction when I pass, I’ll wave. MORON = Motor Operator Rigidly Obeying Nothing. And why do MORONS insist on driving in the fast lane? Many times they leave the blinker on. It flashes again and again: mo-ron, mo-ron, mo-ron….
Mistress: Special powers? *inspects fingernails* I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. I should point out, however, that state police officers are frequent guests in my studio audience. You might want to switch cars…
On to my second question: Why do they put holes in crackers?
Carol: State police? Hang on … OK, got the car listed on Craigslist. That’s where I found this great protective gear. All kinds of stuff listed over there. You can find anything. Where was I? Oh, yeah, holes in crackers. You’d think cracker makers would put cracks in crackers. But I do know why they chose holes instead of cracks. If they put cracks, the cracker would fall through, and no one would ever think about crackers again. The cracker makers would go out of business. That’s what happened with Twinkies, you know. I heard that from a reliable source. Honest.
Mistress: I think you’ve hit on the explanation of black holes and why Twinkies still look fresh after twenty years…
Your last question is a scenario. I understand you own a happening joint on the Texas coast called The Tiki Hut, so picture this: business is jumping, a crowd of happy people relaxing and drinking rum punch with those little umbrellas stuck in a piece of fruit. You only have one bottle of rum left behind the bar.
Someone screams and points at the water, where mutant sharks have surfaced. Another shout from the back warns of a line of zombies approaching. What will you do next?
Carol: First I’d grab my aluminum foil helmet so the zombies wouldn’t know I had a brain. Then I’d grab the rum and head for the hammock. Everyone knows regular sharks have tiny little brains, but those mutant ones … their brains run all the way down their spines and spread out inside that fat dorsal fin. The zombies can smell them. But the mutant sharks are cunning. They showed themselves to entice the zombies to the water. Zombies are their favorite treat. The game could go either way. It’s more fun to watch than football!
Mistress: And there you have it, gentle audience. Zombies vs. Mutant Sharks – a better game than football. I suspect the southern coastlines will see an increase in population soon…along with a rise in aluminum foil helmet sales. You’d better stock up on more rum at The Tiki Hut, Carol.
About the Author
Carol Kilgore has always had stories and characters in her head, but she didn’t know she should write them down until about a dozen years ago. Once she started, she couldn’t stop.
Her first published short story won the Derringer Award for Best Short-Short Mystery. She continued to write short fiction for a few years and also enjoyed a small success as a freelancer before giving it all up for her true love—novels.
Carol’s debut novel, In Name Only, was the fifth novel she had written. She writes a blend of mystery, suspense, and romance she calls Crime Fiction with a Kiss. Always at least one crime; always a love story.
As the wife of a Coast Guard officer, Carol has lived in locations across the U.S. She and her husband now live in a San Antonio suburb and share their home and patio with two active herding dogs that guard her every move.
You can find Carol here:
Congratulations, Carol! You’ve earned the Tuesday Tea Survivor badge, suitable for your blog or hanging on the bathroom wall. Go ahead and take it with you.
Mistress Snark wants to see YOU in her parlor. Are you brave enough? Drop her an email at: laura (AT) lauraeno.com and list “Tuesday Tea” in the subject line.
Next week’s guest in the parlor is Angela Brown. Be sure to come back and have a spot of tea with her!